when it rains it pours, part II

these days I smell of darkness, the dank new earth—
whiskey sweat, melted butter. sweetness left to age.
these dorm halls are caves, but why I chose this tall building

in my hotbox cell I wake moist, every time
blissful alone warmness, only my throat rasping dry—

boy leaves room as I walk by from brushing my teeth
(communal bathrooms, mock intimacy, irony trails..)
I hear his tongue on his lips, words rolled around
in his teeth, wet, skin dark for one so young.
What did she say she found here—“This place is
a suckhole for subarbia”, and I know that’s what
shycasual boy is thinking, his room across the way from mine—
my soul stretched beyond injustice this town, these kids can feel—

wait

when did I become her? the girl with hips and the mystery,
woman of closed doors and eyes that reflect the fires under our feet—
the girl
boys
want. What happened, love? Who changed?
The honeyhaired child you fell for?
Unafraid of big love and frightened of fire? Now, the opposite—
If we met again, (meet) still don’t know what I do. I imagine it
most days: you invade, dumb predetor
seeking something deeper than jaguar's teeth you wear. my tongue lashes.

Goddamit, heart says, you hurt me.
Every boy I know would be so surprised,
not at the strength,
but those passions. the way I sweat malt whiskey,
love that smell of tobacco in his t-shirt,
need to sleep and seek caves. that depth.
I’m still not sure how they’d feel
about the wounds behind it.